Saturday, March 14, 2015

How adoption is not easy

Today I read a Facebook post that involved pictures and lots of family history and pride. You could feel the emotions coming through the words. It really lit a fire in my soul from the still smoldering embers. 

All this started almost 7 yrs ago when I learned that I'm legally adopted, my Dad is not my biological father. I learned in the most ridiculous way, via Facebook, and to this day it affects me more than it did that first day. 

Being the adoptee is not an easy, or simple position to sit in. I'm pulled in both directions. I wonder who am I? I wonder where I fit? Does the bio family care? Do they want relationships with my family? Am I just some girl that's his bio daughter, just an after thought? Does my adopted family feel that I'm still the girl I was before we learned of the paternity? Will they someday hold it against me? So many questions swirling around my mind. I just want to be loved, thought of, communicated with, made a part of the family, included. I'm so lost as to what to do?

 I have a lot of Fathers in my life. I've pulled away from some because I didn't feel I was getting what I needed from them. Thankfully I live hundreds of miles away so not seeing them often can be blamed on my husbands job instead of them not caring, forgetting about me, or me not being important enough. That helps me compartmentalize the situation. But I can't help but be jealous of all my brothers and their relationships with the dad/father we share. Because that's their Dad

Recently I attended a close friends fathers funeral and she said something that struck me and will stay with me forever, she said "he wasn't always perfect but he was mine". Wow, I can't really say that. I'll attend 4 fathers funerals soon enough and I don't feel I can say that for any of them. My dad is not my bio dad, so how's he mine. My father doesn't speak to me so how's he mine? My stepdad isn't mine either and my father in law isn't mine, he's my husbands. So, where do I fit? Do you see what I'm talking about? The whole funeral I was sad for my friend, but I was sad envisioning my 4 fathers funerals knowing I'll never be able to say those words. I'm a lost girl. 

 My life really has changed since that dreary September day in 2008. I still haven't really found my place as a daughter or a sister. I'm grateful that my children will NEvER go through these same feelings. I just don't know how to handle this. 

When happy things happen to my brothers (5) and one of my Dad/father says something I truly get emotional because I can never be that child. It feels like a constant mourning phase. 

I'm grateful for my kids but they can't replace that missing relationship, the father/daughter one I long for. 

So just say a prayer for now that I can recover from this loss and be ok with being a "kinda my daughter".