Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Time for some writing

Anyone else out there been married longer than 10 yrs and never had a full 365 days  with your spouse, I mean seeing them daily, normal life stuff ? It's almost been 15 yrs and to this day we have not been on a regular, see each other daily schedule for 365 days straight yet! 

It's sad really. The rough part is the fact that with military families this is normal. Having lived this life for 15 yrs now I can tell you that every single day away is no less easy than those years ago. No matter where he is if it's Greensboro, NC or Baghdad every single day takes it toll. Military families endure serious hardship that most Americans will ever accept, see or experience themselves. 

All the trips away cause the same issues at home. You have rebeling children, sad children, angry children, frustrated spouse, overworked spouse, annoyed spouse, empty spouse, panic stricken pets, and a whole host of other issues. Not to mention all the crap that breaks, dies, falls apart, overflows or clogs. It's fun, no really, it's loads of fun. 

Military life is difficult and I could go into a whole week long essay of issues but today it's about separation, continued separation and the effects it has had on the families left behind. 

Find a spouse or child and let them know you care about them, offer your services, order take-out for them, go mow their lawn, wash their car or anything that could lighten the load they carry daily. If you ask if she/he is deployed and they say no remember it's the same no matter what it's called, TDY, deployment, trip, training. Doesn't matter. 

Do something to help them out! 

Friday, April 18, 2014

To much love

Today has been an interesting day, one I will forget in years to come, yet full of emotion. 

Have you ever felt as if your heart was two sizes to big? I mean the feeling of always giving of yourself wholly, completely. Do you ever think that you love too much? Can one even do that? Can we actually give to much love to others? I can't answer that question but it sure does come up lately. I mean I know the one person who loved too much, God. He was willing to sacrifice his own son because he loved so deeply. I'm not talking about him, I'm talking humans today 21st century. Have you ever heard of someone loving so much they died? I don't know if that's ever been researched. Maybe I should look into that, let's face it passion is deep. 

I can honestly say that I do love with all of me, 100% of my heart, soul and mind I love. Years ago when MySpace had just come on he scene I received this message from an old high school classmate that was in one of my English classes. He said that many times I'd say hi or strike a conversation with him when nobody would even look at him. He told me I saved his life. He choose to live because that girl in English talked to him. Years later he came out and transformed from male to female. He credits my simple gesture of humanity, caring as his life saving moment. Wow, that's stayed with me. I think of that often when I'm out and about. That message was reassuring that loving others was productive. 

You know, I had a few boyfriends growing up in and after high school. They never ended up well. Or the way I had hoped. That's because when I loved someone I loved with all of myself. It didn't matter if they were a country boy, a Christian loner, a scared druggie, a popular musician or a short hick I still loved them completely. The break ups were all bad, emotionally a mess. But I think about those relationships today and think, did I love them enough. That answer was yes every time.  

Do you look at your friendships and wonder what more can you give? I don't. Because I know in my heart I give all of me. If I jump in its not just my toes, or wading with my pants rolled up or only in the 3ft deep area, it's all the way under. I'm soaked in that friendship. It's never a small percentage. If it feels like a friendship I jump. I'm not entirely sure this is the right way of living life with relationships cause let's face it I have been burned, and burned deeply causing deep rooted scars. But I never looked back and regretted not loving them enough because I know I was all in. I played my hand in every round. Those people have each been stashed away in my heart and can never be erased even when I wish I could because it hurt so bad. 

But can one give too much? I mean can your love and never receive the same love in return. Will you ever be rewarded for loving too much. Will you ever gain that same type of love from others? I don't know. I wonder. I dream. I hope. That one day those that give of themselves wholly to the community, to their friends, their family, and  their job will they ever know, feel or understand that same love, same passion and same happiness as they have given. 

You know, my heart has always been a community centered heart. What can I do to help that old lady struggling to reach the box of donuts? How can I help those struggling military wives while dealng with deployments and separations? What can I do for the suffering family with a sick child? Can I give the financial needy money? How can I show those new moms love and support? Will that crying child allow me to dry his eyes and find his lost momma? Can I give that puppy a home? The list goes on. My brain is always looking for someone else to help out. It doesn't stop. In the end do all those precious beings feel love because I'm trying to express it in my own Texas way. 

Can I use all the struggles I've faced in my life to change someone else's? This is a big one. One I used to go back to school and get my associates. I want to share with others those trials so that they may know they are not alone. So that they may look at me and say yes I too can get through this mess. 

But with all this giving of love I wonder when it's too much. Will or have I reached the end of those deep loving days and if I do or have will someone notice and say hey this girl needs me and my love? I don't know. I fear the answer to that. Does it make me stop? Nope. Do I question my love I give, yes absolutely. But I can't love expecting others to reciprocate, I'll be devastated forever. But there must be a limit and I'm not exactly sure where the line is? I don't want to run out of love. I don't want to resent giving it away and know that the receiver is taking and will never acknowledge. You get where I'm going with all this. 

God is good, he's very good but he also allows bad things to happen to good, very good people. Those people suffer oh do they suffer. Will that reward in heaven be good enough to erase all the pain they suffered on earth? I'm one to hope the answer is yes. I know god is love. So by showing love do I show gods love? I'm not sure of that one either. 

My prayer tonight is that love will multiply amongst us and flow freely from and through us so that we all are fulfilled with joy and happiness. I want to think god is greater than all the tragedy that the love he has touches those that need it and those that don't. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for your sacrifice and love and giving me the chance to love others as you have loved us. 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Tough Questions

Unfortunately being a mother comes with very tough situations, one I had to face this morning. While the kids were getting ready for school one asked "Why are people gay ?" and another asked "Isn't being gay a sin in the bible."  One last question to drive the dagger in a little deeper. "Why do we have so many gay family member's?"

My brain is spinning thinking what on earth unleashed this onslaught of questioning. But inside I'm happy they came to me instead of a friend or someone that may not know what I know or believe. As a mother I'm grateful my kids ask such hard questions, no matter how hard they are. I am grateful I get to research, answer and suggest my beliefs to them. I also hope I can guide them to believe as the feel they need as they grow older.

Let the answers begin.

In my heart and soul, I believe being gay is not a choice. I believe those that identify with it are born with it. I believe it should be characterized as a genetic disorder, birth defect or syndrome. I don't mean this in a negative way. Because lets face it, we love people with cleft lips, down syndrome, Huntington's, Parkinson's, Crohns and Cystic Fibrosis. Those people can not change these parts of themselves. Its the cards they were dealt. Its unfortunate. But they learn to accept themselves, their disease/disorder and continue on with life. I do think that research in the next 20 years will show my belief or hypothesis, whichever you want to call it.

I know this disorder well. I have 4 immediate family members that suffer from it daily. My newest family member just came out of the closet. Unfortunately he is young and impressionable and the negative views thrown at him are eating him up. Someone close to him keeps throwing Bible beliefs at him. I must imagine being a Christian with this disorder or syndrome has got to be heart breaking, mind boggling and quite confusing.

I did some searching and these verses all speak of homosexuality. Bible verses like Genesis 19: 1-11, Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, Judges 19:16-24, Romans 1:18-32, and many more speak Christian views. I associate myself as a Christian, a Baptist to be specific. But this association does not mean I chastise, demonize or judge those living a gay life.  My job is to love them but also its to understand the bible., James 4:12 tells me this.

Now this is just my view, don't be negative please, just listen. I believe God is our Father and we are to ask for forgiveness of our sins and try to do better. I believe in baptism, the holy ghost, and Gods purest love for each one of us. However, I believe the verses in the bible are not speaking of the disorder of homosexuality. It speaks about the rape of men on men, the convenience of sex with someone of the same sex  like prostitution. I believe those are all different from a person living with a disorder that loves someone of the same sex as them and there is nothing they can change about it. This I believe is not the meaning of what God speaks of in the bible. At least that's what I am going with. You may not believe that way but I must. My family is my heart, plain and simple. I am proud of them. Honestly, with the large amount of homosexuals in our family I believe research will prove a genetic link, passed down a family tree much like other diseases/disorders/syndromes out there where some are the unlucky ones to get it and others don't. It's OK to disagree with me. But this is a conversation that needs to be addressed and needs careful thought and needs control of emotions. I'm throwing my hat in the ring for the support of my family. 1 Timothy 5:8 shares the need for family support. I encourage you to discuss it and learn other peoples view, opinions and thoughts on the subject.

I explain this view to my children and they all agreed to accept it and move on. That was the end of their questions. I hope that one of them or all of them get to see the research come to fruition and a real cause/Chromosome/gene is located and the world can move on in peace. We love and accept all those with Parkinson's, Cystic fibrosis, Huntington's and so on. We support them, accept them and help through their battles and struggles. I look forward to the day homosexuality is treated the same.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014 arrived with a Bang

Time to dust off the good ole blog!!!!

If the first several days of 2014 were spent in the hospital with a major hemorrhage how's that make the rest of the year sound? Yeah, not looking good. 
So my health is better but I'm tether tottering on the idea of taking medicine for a long time. I'm not fond of meds. Actually I hate them. I'm not sure if it's because I have family history of prescription drug abuse or what but I really don't like to treat health issues with meds. Zeus says I'm gambling, I say well pass the dice. He doesn't agree. I shrug. Another disagreement we shall agree to disagree. That leads me to another whole soapbox. His family.

Right now I feel worse than a black sheep or a black swan. It's terrible. Actually I'm bitter. Kinda worrys me that I feel this way but I'll pray about that. A terrible event happened a while back where I felt 100% attacked. I stood up for myself and explained myself and everyone involved seemingly placed the blame on me. Telling me I'm a drama queen and bring it on myself and I'm hard to get along with. Well guys, unfortunately that's when my wall went straight to the sky. They didn't try to understand how or why I felt those things. They just said to "knock it off". I've had to emotionally pull out of those relationships for now. Maybe time will help mend the feelings but unfortunately that's been burned into my heart and it's a battle I already fought many years ago, I'm not sure I have the strength, the heart or the desire to doth it again. I'll just pray about it. God knows the way. He'll show me. 

At this point I'm two weeks into the year with a nasty, bad taste in my mouth about the future days. 

I do know my husband is here for me and the most important my children are right with me. My precious babies are just so special. I love them with every ounce of my being. I'm so thankful that I'm their mother. I'm thankful I'm the only mom. I don't have to share. I made them. Nobody can take that or tarnish that. They are beautiful, smart, loving and so incredibly different.

This year does have it's highlights. I'm waiting patiently til June when my brother and his family arrives. I'll have my sister and my nieces and my first love, my handsome lil brother. I'll have birthdays, holidays, dinners, trips, babysitting all to give me smiles. All with the family I'll always have. All with the ones that love me. This will be the first time in 15yrs we can live close by and spend that quality positive time together. My heart waits patiently for that day.

This will be a rough first few months. But I'm confident I'll get through it.