Friday, April 18, 2014

To much love

Today has been an interesting day, one I will forget in years to come, yet full of emotion. 

Have you ever felt as if your heart was two sizes to big? I mean the feeling of always giving of yourself wholly, completely. Do you ever think that you love too much? Can one even do that? Can we actually give to much love to others? I can't answer that question but it sure does come up lately. I mean I know the one person who loved too much, God. He was willing to sacrifice his own son because he loved so deeply. I'm not talking about him, I'm talking humans today 21st century. Have you ever heard of someone loving so much they died? I don't know if that's ever been researched. Maybe I should look into that, let's face it passion is deep. 

I can honestly say that I do love with all of me, 100% of my heart, soul and mind I love. Years ago when MySpace had just come on he scene I received this message from an old high school classmate that was in one of my English classes. He said that many times I'd say hi or strike a conversation with him when nobody would even look at him. He told me I saved his life. He choose to live because that girl in English talked to him. Years later he came out and transformed from male to female. He credits my simple gesture of humanity, caring as his life saving moment. Wow, that's stayed with me. I think of that often when I'm out and about. That message was reassuring that loving others was productive. 

You know, I had a few boyfriends growing up in and after high school. They never ended up well. Or the way I had hoped. That's because when I loved someone I loved with all of myself. It didn't matter if they were a country boy, a Christian loner, a scared druggie, a popular musician or a short hick I still loved them completely. The break ups were all bad, emotionally a mess. But I think about those relationships today and think, did I love them enough. That answer was yes every time.  

Do you look at your friendships and wonder what more can you give? I don't. Because I know in my heart I give all of me. If I jump in its not just my toes, or wading with my pants rolled up or only in the 3ft deep area, it's all the way under. I'm soaked in that friendship. It's never a small percentage. If it feels like a friendship I jump. I'm not entirely sure this is the right way of living life with relationships cause let's face it I have been burned, and burned deeply causing deep rooted scars. But I never looked back and regretted not loving them enough because I know I was all in. I played my hand in every round. Those people have each been stashed away in my heart and can never be erased even when I wish I could because it hurt so bad. 

But can one give too much? I mean can your love and never receive the same love in return. Will you ever be rewarded for loving too much. Will you ever gain that same type of love from others? I don't know. I wonder. I dream. I hope. That one day those that give of themselves wholly to the community, to their friends, their family, and  their job will they ever know, feel or understand that same love, same passion and same happiness as they have given. 

You know, my heart has always been a community centered heart. What can I do to help that old lady struggling to reach the box of donuts? How can I help those struggling military wives while dealng with deployments and separations? What can I do for the suffering family with a sick child? Can I give the financial needy money? How can I show those new moms love and support? Will that crying child allow me to dry his eyes and find his lost momma? Can I give that puppy a home? The list goes on. My brain is always looking for someone else to help out. It doesn't stop. In the end do all those precious beings feel love because I'm trying to express it in my own Texas way. 

Can I use all the struggles I've faced in my life to change someone else's? This is a big one. One I used to go back to school and get my associates. I want to share with others those trials so that they may know they are not alone. So that they may look at me and say yes I too can get through this mess. 

But with all this giving of love I wonder when it's too much. Will or have I reached the end of those deep loving days and if I do or have will someone notice and say hey this girl needs me and my love? I don't know. I fear the answer to that. Does it make me stop? Nope. Do I question my love I give, yes absolutely. But I can't love expecting others to reciprocate, I'll be devastated forever. But there must be a limit and I'm not exactly sure where the line is? I don't want to run out of love. I don't want to resent giving it away and know that the receiver is taking and will never acknowledge. You get where I'm going with all this. 

God is good, he's very good but he also allows bad things to happen to good, very good people. Those people suffer oh do they suffer. Will that reward in heaven be good enough to erase all the pain they suffered on earth? I'm one to hope the answer is yes. I know god is love. So by showing love do I show gods love? I'm not sure of that one either. 

My prayer tonight is that love will multiply amongst us and flow freely from and through us so that we all are fulfilled with joy and happiness. I want to think god is greater than all the tragedy that the love he has touches those that need it and those that don't. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for your sacrifice and love and giving me the chance to love others as you have loved us.