Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Reality

Yesterday my Grandmother was hospitalized for an illness she has developed. Yesterday we also started our return trip home. I was less than thrilled to hear my Meemaw had been admitted into a hospital. But, the reality is that all five of my grandparents are getting old, and with age comes illness followed by that awful word, Death. We all try to ignore it but today my husband shared his insight with me and it left me in tears.

My reality with my aging Meemaw is that she holds our family together. She also does not treat me any different than any of the other grand kids and she treats my children as the other Great-grand kids as well. The part that scares me more than anything is the fact that almost 4 years ago I discovered that I am actually not blood related to any of that side of the family. It kills me to know this. What scares me the most is the fact that when death occurs families change, they get greedy and deep feelings and thoughts come to the surface. My reality is when Meemaw and Peepaw do go to Heaven to be with the Lord how will the family really treat me, my husband and my children. Will I still be considered one of the grand kids, or will everyone throw it in my face that I am not part of them? Legally I am a Courtney. I was born a Courtney and by the State of Texas I am a Courtney. My birth certificate says I am a Courtney. But a paternity test says no, that's not the case. Will the family I grew up with, learned with, and loved on continue to see me as a Courtney? That is a huge question that honestly we won't know until that day comes. But it scares me to smithereens. Especially when we will all be heart broken when it appears.
How does one prepare for such a negative, hurtful situation? Is it normal to feel this way? I understand this can't possibly be a NORMAL situation that too many people deal with on a regular basis. This is mighty odd. But for me, it is my life. I can not do anything about it. I can not go back and change the decisions my parents choose to make. I get to live with those consequences. Is it fair? I sure don't think so. Is it right? I don't think that either. But there is nothing I can do about it. I just put one foot in front of the other and ask God to guide me every step of the way.

But I also like to prepare and plan for things, like most people buy car and health insurance, go to college, put money away for retirement. They are planning and preparing for accidents, health problems, putting money away for their retirement. I like to prepare my mental state or steady my emotions for many different situations. That's why I am trying to work this out before any deaths occur. If I can prepare myself for the possible outcomes I am more likely to control and contain my emotions and avoid anymore major upsets that seem to follow me throughout my life.

My brain and body must be prepared for future situations.

Zeus is right. I have to accept whatever happens within the family. I most likely will not like what happens but preparing myself will soften the blow sure to come my way.

I'll pray that God will remind each of my family members that family is not always about blood or the biological aspect behind a family. It is what is within the heart. I'll pray that they continue to accept me as who I am and not what some test shows or proves.

0 comments: