Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Brother's & Sisters

OH BOY, this morning while I was drinking my coffee trying to wake up I decided to watch a couple of my DVR'ed shows from the last few days. I have been watching Brother's and Sister's on ABC since it's birth. Today's show hit me like a ton of bricks. Actually it was really hard to watch without someone here with me over the age of 21, if you know what I mean.

I am a pretty emotional person to begin with before any shows. So if you haven't seen the show it is about a family a dead husband, wife and 5 kids. The kids are all grown adults and many of them parents themselves. The mom had an affair with her high school boyfriend and the oldest child ended up being the boyfriends and not the dead husbands. The show this week highlighted the DNA testing, daughter confronting the boyfriend and her reactions during her daily life as she planned her wedding.

So, many of you know my story from September 2008, if not here it is MY STORY . Recently I have been dealing with the emotional effects of losing friends, moving away from other friends, letting go of dreams and wishes, moving heartaches and all that junk.

As I watched the show this morning I identified with Sarah, the oldest daughter more than I have identified with someone in a long time. I felt the raw emotion that was flowing through her veins. I understood her loss of self. The tears in my eyes just starting flowing down my cheek as I watched how this shocking news. What's strange was here I was all alone again just like that night in September 2008. Except my kids are in school today instead of sleeping. I went back and reread my own story. Oh gracious, that was a bad idea. It brought everything back. The sadness, the anger, the heartbreak, the disappointment, the self-loathing "why me's" and tons and tons of tears.

Although it is several years later I'm not sure I have processed the feelings yet. I wonder if I will ever process those feelings. Today, I have gone numb. I want to love and be loved but I don't want to hurt anyone else. I am hurting. I am really not sure any of my family understands one ounce of the trauma and heartache that I am feeling. Brothers and Sisters opened the can again. It showed me that I am not OK with this situation. It showed me that there is still work to be done for me to begin to heal. It showed me that there are other people out their that quite possibly are walking through similar storms as me.

I never realized a television show could be as extremely emotional for people like ABC's Brothers and Sisters was for me today. I could go on and on but for now I must focus on my college research paper and preparing my house for a visit from a LONG TIME friend. Talking today is probably a terrible idea. I will try to avoid it at this point. Prayers are always welcomed as I continue to walk through this massive, life altering storm that does not seem to show signs of calm.

Haskins House Out