Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How do you let it go?

Today as I was folding clothes in my quiet house while my puppies and child were sleeping I got to thinking. There is a person who shall remain nameless in my past that I just can not get out of my head. So here's the deal, I know God and for some reason I think he is trying to tell me something. Yet I can not put my finger on it. So I thought if I wrote this down and stopped keeping it in my head that maybe something will come of it. If not, oh well, at least it is no longer locked up.

A while ago, like a year and a half ago I had this friend. She was by all means my best friend. When I first met her, I thought she was quite rude. Its funny really. Over the course of meeting and getting to know each other she grew on me. We hung out all the time. We ate dinner together. She spent lots of time with my family. She went places with me. She leaned on me with issues and questions as I did with her. I helped her with her child. We called to check on each other almost daily. Most people knew we were buddies. We went most places together and I really liked it. She was different from my other friends and that is what made her so special to me. However I went through a rough patch, even opened up to some really negative things to her and in that instant she was gone. I trusted her and I opened up my vulnerability and insecurities to her and the second I did, it was over. Strange. Still to this day I think about her, her family and her silly husband and dogs. I miss having her around. I miss her hilarious laugh. I miss her husband picking on me. I miss his love of my dog. I miss her precious child. I do not know today what went wrong. I can not believe it was over that fast. I am hurt. I am sad. I have not learned how to dump this past in the garbage yet. For some odd reason I don't want to. I felt I had a relationship with her that couldn't be touched you know, kinda like the Titanic that would never sink. So I have some questions to ask you?

Have you ever had a friendship that went south and not had the chance to clear it up? or say goodbye?
Have you ever had a friend wash their hands of you and walk away without a blink of an eye?

I have been burned before by friends and even by boyfriends but I never let it stop me and it never stayed so fresh in my mind. I mean I did not seem to let if affect me like this. Its weird. I can still smell her house when I think about it. Maybe because I only went in it 2 times. Odd, oh yea. I have to shake my head sometimes just to check and make sure I'm still in reality. I know she's gone on and made new friends and became best buds with a mutual friend but I don't know.

Something that bothers me is that she still interacts with my husband online. Not as often as she had in the past but I know she is still facebook friends with him. Honestly If you didn't want to be a part of someones life wouldn't you choose to separate yourself from the entire family. I mean, I don't know I have never had this issue before. Help me out here. So I guess inside, my gut, I feel she didn't want to walk away, something still has her holding on if only by the string of my husband, she didn't completely let go.

If you have dealt with something like this before what do you suggest I do to let her go? contact her? apologize? If I were to apologize what would be the basis? Is writing a letter worth it?

From your experience how do you move on and get those smells, feelings and images out of your head? Or do I want to?
Should I do something about it? I live hundreds of miles away now and have moved 2 times but I can't forget her and I'm not sure I want to. I guess I'm just in need of closure of some sorts.

Do I sound crazy? If so its OK to let me know. I'm just in need of some outside views. I have asked other friends and family and I know what they think, most of them knew her that's why I thought I'd start here on my blog.

I love people. I love having lots of friends and being a part of lots of groups. I love having LOTS of people around and in my home. Losing this person made me feel like I lost a sibling.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Hello, from cold, cold Illinois!!!
Haskins House


Toby E. said...

There is nothing easy with that. I have only had similar experiences but not quite the same. Only thing I can suggest to pray and keep listening to Him. He guided you to post this so He will keep guiding you. And I will pray for you too that you find the answers that bring you peace with it all.