Saturday, October 31, 2009

A huge hole of sadness

Tonight is the night that begins the long, exciting and dreadful separation between my husband and my family. We have been preparing for this for 8 Months so I thought I was actually ready for it. Looks like I thought wrong.

As I was cleaning up and straightening up the living room I found this orange slip of paper. It was a handwritten note/letter from Omega wishing Zeus a safe and fun time on his trip. The moment I read it the tears filled my eyes thinking how strong my little boy is for writing this and thinking how thoughtful he is to write that for Daddy. How unselfish of him. It makes me sad that my babies will have to be without Daddy, one of 2 staples in their lives. It makes me scared to know that I will be that one supporting pillar in their life for 4 months. I get really nervous knowing that I hold all the cards. I am a new single mom and scared out of my mind. I am experiencing so many emotions right now. I am extremely sad for one because my spouse, love, partner, best friend has to be away and will not be able to communicate as much, actually will be VERY little communication for weeks. This is different from a war deployment or one of his business trips. At least on those you know when to expect to hear from them, they get to call, email and write and sometimes even skype. This is much more different. He has someone telling him his every move right down to when he can go pee. We are talking basic military officer training. Extremely tough stuff. I know we can do this but it doesn't stop me going through or dealing with all the emotions that this creates. I am nervous for his sanity. I am upset that I will be without him. I wish I could be that support for him like I am here. The one he can walk in the door and hug annoyingly to relieve his stress. Nope, can't do it.

I am sad for the babies that all they have to lean on is me and only me. God forbid I have a bad day. I am going to have to dig REALLY deep to get through this. I am praying that God will give me the strength, personal support, friendships, adult communication, patience, wisdom and guidance to help me parent and love the way I need to. I know I should say I should be thankful for this opportunity. I am grateful don't get me wrong, I am most grateful for this new chapter but closing this chapter is going to be VERY, VERY difficult. I know I will struggle through this. I know I will have some pretty bad days. I know I will have some pretty good days. But I also understand I have to be honest and own up to the fact that I can not do this alone. I will have to have support.

I do not know what to expect from this extra long separation. I know that I need not argue when hubby calls. I know that I need to keep him informed of things. I know that he needs our never ending support. Having talked to him about this I/we have decided to get our conversations as positive as possible. Although we are both used to ranting to each other, this is not the plan for the next few months. So I plan on using A LOT of phone minutes talking and conversing with many other adults to keep myself somewhat sane.

I had to stop writing this last night to help Zeus cut his hair and pack so I am on day 2 of my personal journal of military officer training from the spouses point of view.

Today started out miserably. Zeus left before 6am this morning and within minutes of his departure Zero was a ball of tears in my bed. You and I both know that when one of my babies cries, I cry. So we were both crying our eyes out and neither one of us got back to sleep. All the little boys showed up around 6:45am so I turned on Alvin and the chipmunks and we all snuggled til 8am. They have been very short tempered as have I. I understand the stress level here is unmeasurable. It is through the roof and I can not really do anything about it. I realize they feed off of me but durn it. Zulu has been quite the little devil today. I was very disappointed in his attitude and behavior towards me and his siblings. URRRGGGG!! I wanted to really throw him out with the trash. I didn't, I'm just saying. Ziggy was the fire starter today and boy did he start LOTS of them. He even destroyed a beautiful family photo that added to the tears. I had a pretty yucky break-down this afternoon but attending a baby shower this afternoon and feeling the love of my friends made me so much better. Thanks Ladies, I so needed that, even if I was running around making sure everyone was having fun.

Once we got home after we had a heart to heart on the way home. The kids were perfect!!! Ziggy cleaned the dinner table without being asked. Zulu picked out dinner and even helped me prepare it. Omega was so compassionate rubbing make back and asking if I was ok or needed anything. He makes me cry because he is so selfless. He is always thinking of others. I am so very proud of him. Poor little Miss Zero, she is so sensitive and is really struggling with not

having her Daddy here. It has been some time since she has struggled like this. I fear it will interfere with school, I hope not but I do think it will affect her somewhat.

I try really hard not to be a negative person. I think positivity is the object of ones strength. But we as humans need others. Physically and emotionally we need support especially in times of change or hardship. I ask you to say a little prayer for us. Say a little prayer for Zeus that he gets through this step with as few bumps as possible. I hope that you will find someone like me that needs someone and help them at least once every 2 weeks, even if its just a phone call. Find something you are good at doing and use it to bring joy to someone else.

My blogs will be very emotional for some time now as we walk this new road and the time of year it is all happening. This is my little way of reflecting on the day, journaling and decompressing. I'll hope you understand.

I leave you with a heavy heart and sadness filled mind.



Toby E. said...

I think your plan to keep your talks with your hubby positive is the best thing. I have never experienced a seperation close to this, but with the little bits we have had I know I would often take my frustration out on him when I saw or talked to him. It was unfair, but I think I did it because I knew he wouldn't hold it against me for long. Still not a good idea.
I think the best thing for you to do is live ONE day at a time. You are looking at all 4 months and that can be VERY overwhelming. And if you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up over it. The next day is a new one. If you have a few bad days in a row, remember that is ok too! I am sure you will have many many more good days in a row than bad.
You are just starting this, so don't think it has to be perfect from the beginning or even good. Have a few days of somewhat relaxed rules. Keep enough structure to keep the family functioning, but loose enough that you can relax a little too.
My prayers are with each of you. I know I am many, many miles away, but don't hesitate to let me know of anything I can do to help. An ear (or eye with reading) for you to vent to, or someone to help you brainstorm through different things.
Lots of love for you all!