Monday, May 4, 2009

What is love, honor, unions?

Tonight I sit here wondering those simple questions. What is love? I read the dictionary's 14 descriptions of what the word means but honestly what does it mean to us. How true is it to love someone as much as you love yourself? Can you really do that for an entire lifetime? I am amazed when I read or see news of marriages that have lasted longer than 50 years. Were those 2 people genuinely happy the entire time and if not how in the world did they get through those rough times? My mind is racing right now and I know you must be confused but trust me, I am too. I can not seem to make everything right. Whether it is feelings or events, I seem to be falling short of the goal. I looked up some verses in the bible to try to help myself feel better or understand better God's meaning of love. But, he is something we will never be, the all forgiving, all LOVING, all excepting of beings. I will never be able to wrap my head around him. He is so awesome. But then I think, wow, he created this thing called love and marriage and wonder how we make the hike through the dense and dark forest only on trust. Do we ever know if we are with our soul mate? How do we know we chose the right person? What is the feeling of completeness? Are society's expectations more than we can create? What does binding as one flesh really and truly mean to the married? How do we travel today's obstacles as married couples? I never wonder why and am never surprised by the high divorce rate. I know that I never really understood to true meaning of love, marriage and lifetime unions. How do you understand it? Does marriage really mean only 60% happiness or does it mean 100% happiness? I was at a wedding last summer and the Minister mentioned times where spouses would give 100% and 0%. I believe this wholeheartedly to be true. only because I have lived it, not because a preacher said so. But my question is how long should you be the 100% giver? How long should you be allowed to give 0% or nothing. Marriage is a union, a creation of 1 from 2 but how long should 1 take the burden of 2? I know you must be reeling with your questions or answers. I am just pondering what life really is about. I being a loving mother and wife love my family more than ANYTHING in this entire world. I do mean this with all my heart. I want nothing more than to be a happy family. I want to be that model for my children, that model I never had. But having never had it or seen it until I was an adult I am not sure how to make it. Does that make any sense? I want to make sure the decisions I make now do not adversely affect these 4 beautiful beings I so desperately am trying to mold into responsible, productive members of society. I want them to see what true love is and what them to desire that. I want more than anything to understand what I couldn't. This is a very narrow, rocky, slippery and down right scary path which I walk. You must think I am nuts to be thinking about this now that my babes are all under 10 but I feel now more than ever is the time they soak up the most information and pick up the most habits of their elders. I am not sure how to hold their hands through the life of relationships but I want to start now so they can feel confident when it is their own time. I want to have all the answers to this questions that will soon be coming. I am trying to prepare myself for those tough ones. So I sit here at 2 o clock in the morning, not able to sleep a wink asking myself if I am doing this correct, if there is a correct way. I pray to God that he leads the right way and provides me the right answers when the time comes. I am hoping the kids wait several more years before these questions come flying but for now I think I will be doing my own research in love, relationships and marriage. The bible has been extremely helpful for guiding me to the right answers but my brain does not work properly anymore. I have lots of crossed wires that misfire and blah, blah, blah, that is another blog topic for another day. Anyways Pray for me, pray for my mind to relax, pray that the stress of raising these children does not completed make me brain dead, pray that the questions come later rather than sooner. Pray that I can be ok with my own relationship. Pray that my own submission and happiness and journey down this uncharted land be successful and mind blowing. I realize you must be thinking holy cow, what kind of drugs is this girl taking. I assure you I am not on anything not even any alcohol. This is my natural thinkings and my honest self just trying to manage a life and raise a family. I feel so uneducated to be raising 4 children. I wonder how we all were raised since there are no pre-requisites to becoming a parent. Something tells me we should prepare our youth a little more about the pathway to parenthood. So bare with me here, I just had all this craziness on my mind tonight and thought what better place to relieve the stress, pressure and pain than right here in my blog where I am the boss. I am the writer. I thank you for being here and reading with me and supporting me. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers as I struggle to get through life hoping I make the right choices to set a good example for the 4 beings watching my every move. Blessings to you and yours and Happy Monday