Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 8:20 AM
Monday, October 27, 2008
This weekend was just that Full of People. I flew to Texas on Friday for my 10 year high school reunion. Crazy to think it has been that long now. I know I am starting to get old. OUCH, that hurts. Anyways, the reunion was unexpected. I was not sure what to expect going. Tons of questions mounted in my head. I thought I am going to look silly without my husband here with me. yada, yada, yada. Anyways, I met many of my friends from elementary school, middle and high school. I was fairly disappointed at the lack of participation. We were missing HUNDREDS of people. Many people I was so looking forward to see and catch up with were not there. BUMMER. I flew all this way and only saw a few of the MAIN people I was excited to see. The ones that were there were great though. We even went to a Bar to catch up and then to IHOP because we are all so old the loud LIVE BAND at the bar was giving all us old ladies a headache. HAHAHA, It was fun. IT has been years since I stayed out until 3am. WHAT A BLAST!!!
I spent my days visiting with my family. I always love seeing my family. They are the fuel that feeds my worn out engine. Thank you!!! It was so lovely to just sit and talk, play games and not worry what time it is. It has been forever since I played Pinochle too. Thanks guys!!!
I then got brave and made that ever so uncomfortable decision to meet my birth Father, his wife and my 2 half brothers. WOW, that was nice. I again was not sure what to expect. It was amazing how much we all had missed in each others lives but I thank God for giving me the opportunity to finally meet this people. We talked for about 4 1/2 hours. YEA, long meeting. It was neat to see the links between this family and my own. Questions I have had the last few years were answered. WOW, it was that easy. I am feeling better about the whole situation. I know that it is going to be weird for a number of years for not only me but for many of us. I am willing to push through it.
So all in all it was a very successful weekend. I am getting on a plane in just a few hours for the 3 hour flight back to D.C.
Blessings to all you PEOPLE. I am thankful and oh so grateful to have all of you in my life. Each and EVERY one of you holds your own spot in my chest. I love you, I miss you and I love the fact that we are family and friends.
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 11:58 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Ryan and I normally never get a chance to get out alone without the kids. This is due inpart by the financial strain we are in since we are a enlisted military family of 6 on a single income. This poses a challenge and the other reason is feeling like a burden to our friends by asking them to watch our 4 children. We do have friends but want to keep them for emergency use only. Watching 4 children is definitely not an easy task but can be done. So this weekend we had family in town that were willing and more than happy to watch the kids for us while we got away. It was so nice to go out and feel like a couple instead of Mom and Dad.
So Ryan picked a quaint little Italian restaurant in NW Washington. It is was nice. I probably sound like a kid but walking into it I was in awe. It was something we NEVER get to see. A ritzy little place with low lighting, candles everywhere and awww the crisp white Tablecloths. I felt like a million bucks. WOW, was I really eating here. I am no Senator and definitely not wealthy but this place was all that. We had reservations, so we were seasted within, OH, I would say 30 seconds of walking in the door. That was so cool. I feel special. BTW, we had pulled into a garage to park the car and the man walked up took the keys and said I will take care of you. WHAT? Really, valet parking. I am totally digging this. Now where was I, oh back to the table. So we sit down right next to the window at a little table with beautiful napkins on the square white plates that look like fans. The silverware was all in its fancy places. I must be living in a dream. I am thinking to myself, can we really afford a place like this? Guess we'll see.
The waitress looks very nice and is extremely helpful decoding the menu as most of it is in Italian. Yeah, this stay at home mom does not speak or read anything other than English. Once I decided on something, which took a good 20 minutes, Ryan was very sweet. If you know my husband you know that he is the most sarcastic person on the planet who likes to push all my buttons. He was being so gentlemen like. HUH, did I mistakenly bring his brother with me and leave him at home? I hope not.
So we are brought out this lovely bread with a very light sauce/spread to go on it. OH BOY, this is getting better and better. Then my salad came out. WOW, that is impressive. Gorgeous green lettuce and spinach with cucumbers and tomatoes and a vinaigrette dressing. YUMMMM.
I ate every last leaf. That had to be the best tasting salad I have ever eaten or at least ever remember eating.
The main course comes out. WOO HOOO!!! It is picture perfect. Blackened salmon with a cone shape pile of rice with a pine tree in it. Huge piece of lettuce next to the squash and zucchini. The Salmon has a mint colored sauce drizzled on it and then the whole plate has a maple colored sauce drizzled over it. WOW, I should have taken a picture but I thought I would really stand out if I did. Well, I might look silly. So I follow my inner voice and keep the camera in my purse.
Beautiful meal with my wonderful husband. So he tells me once we are done with dinner that we do not have time for dessert. BUMMER!! But we have reservations to go someplace else. WOAH, he never plans stuff like this yall. Ryan always makes me do the planning if I want to go out. This is a huge treat. So we drive up to Bethesda MD to a movie theater. We go in and tickets were already paid for online. WOW, now that's service. Way to think ahead Ryan. We went in and watched Body of Lies with Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe. The movie was great and definitely right up Ryan's' alley. It is a CIA movie based all over the world. Very interesting but very good. Once we get up to leave we notice we must be the youngest people in the whole theater. It looks like everyone in there was well over 40 and maybe even 50. Totally different then what I remember from the movies 10 years ago.
So all in all we had a fabulous date night. I felt like he was courting me all over again. That is a big step for a man who has been married 9 years with 4 kids. Baby steps!!! I think he might be coming around after all. Thanks God.
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 8:14 PM
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 8:52 AM
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 9:32 PM
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
After the kids got home from school we all set down to do the most enjoyable part of our day(yeah right), homework. Then the kids decide to enjoy the weather and go out to the back yard and burn off some steam. I like it!!! I can work on dinner. Well a friend comes over and we chat while I cook. The kids are being so good playing in their own little backyard haven. Once my friend leaves it is dinner time. I call all the kids to come sit down and Riley says he is not hungry. I go track him down, lying down on the couch. He says his tummy hurts and he is cold. So I get him a blanket and bundle him up. It takes less than 5 minutes and the little guy is sound asleep. We sit down to eat and I got check on him again only to realize he is burning up. OH NO!!! I think he has a fever. My husband and I try to wake him up after hearing him wheeze and start breathing real hard. We managed to take his temp, 102.7 and I get him to take some Tylenol. Oh thank goodness, he was really lethargic and limp. I get him to drink some water and eat a few grapes. YEA, I think he might be coming to. All this time he will not open his eyes. UGH!! Thank goodness he is starting to feel better and asks for a piece of bread. Then he decides he needs a plum. Alright, he stood and opened his eyes and actually spoke to me. We are making progress. Lots of hugs and kisses later and the fever is broke and he is feeling loads better.
Looks like tomorrow might be interesting. Maybe this is just a one night thing, or least I am hoping so. Wish me luck, I absolutely hate seeing my babies get sick.
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 8:55 PM
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday night we were all sitting down to eat dinner and Ryan and I were discussing what would be the best scenario for our upcoming guests. Ryan's little brother, wife and newborn baby are coming to stay with us next week. We have a 4 bedroom but use all the rooms. The biggest room is ours, next is Jr's and Rykers with a set of bunk beds, extra mattress on floor under that and a toddler bed for Ryker. Courtney has her own room with a Daybed with a trundle and Riley has the smallest of rooms with another set of bunk beds. We normally give the guest either Riley or Courtney's room and put all 4 of ours in Jr's room. We put the bunk beds together to make a King size and same with Courtney's.
So we were talking how best to move everyone around to fit the playpen/ crib for the baby and have Mom and Dad in the same room. So the whole time during dinner the kids are trying to come up with something. It is fun to have conversations where everyone has an input. So we decide we will figure it out another night because we need to go up and measure some things and there was just not enough energy to do it. So we send the kids off to take a bath and get ready for bed. Later on Courtney comes back down with this............
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 8:38 PM
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Many of you who follow me either on facebook or myspace have been wondering why I am "SHOCKED". While my immediate family knows the truth many of my friends and extended family have been left in the dark and for that I am sorry. These last 3 weeks have been like 10 years. So many feelings have gone through my veins. I am really not sure whether to be happy, sad, angry, scared or just numb. I think the word for today is numb. Everyday is a new feeling. New questions arise almost hourly. New scenarios arise even faster. The what ifs are freaking kicking my butt. I have to rely on Gods judgement on this one. I have to be strong for my 4 beautiful gifts, AKA my children.
You see, Sat. Sept 20 just before going to bed I check my email like I do every night before bed. I do this because I am so far away and most correspondence is done on the computer. So on the 20th, we will call it "THE NIGHT" I received a weird email through myspace from "K" because names are not important. The email had names of both of my parents and it was asking if I knew a man named "B". I just figured "k" was looking to get "B" together with one of my parents or that "K" was a bad person trying to steal my identity. I was inquisitive and tried emailing "k" back trying to extract information from his/her brain. I was thinking I'll just see what this person knows. Well "k" emailed back with WAY too much information. WOAH, my first thought was this person is a serious stalker. But after reading it and then calling a friend at 11:30pm and reading it to her we both thought I needed to start asking questions from my parents. So after a SHORT phone call to my mom and a LONG 15 minute wait for her to call me back I have 5 million things swirling through my mind. The long awaited minute had arrived. My mom was finally COMPLETELY honest and held nothing back. She told the truth no matter how much it hurt, embarrassed or saddened her. This truth was a lie she had been carrying around since I was born., 28 long years.
So I ask all the right questions and she tells me that my Dad is most likely not my father. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!!!!! My reactions, WHAT KIND OF DRUGS ARE YOU ON? WHY NOW? HOW? WHO KNEW? The questions in my head were mounting and my mouth could not move fast enough. OMG, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!!! ARE YOU KIDDING!!!! NO!!!!!!CAN"T BE!!!!!!!!!I DON"T BELIEVE YOU!!!!!!!!!My body is shaking uncontrollably by this point. I think I can not breathe. I am so MAD oh I am so sad. I just lost 30 people I loved. NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!I MUST BE PLAYING A CHARACTER IN A MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!I AM DREAMING!!!!!!!SOMEBODY PINCH ME!!!!!!!! Now What I forgot to tell you is that Ryan is on a trip far away and all my beauties are sleeping. So I am all alone in the dead of night going through what I am going to say has got to be the most emotional roller coaster ride I have ever gotten on, been dragged on or was coaxed on. NOT FUN. So after getting control and talking for HOURSSSS and I do mean hours. I come to the conclusion that a paternity test MUST be done for me to believe this and accept this. I do the research and find a lab that can do the test with people in several different locations. My mom agrees and orders it. Now I must go to bed. It is now 3 am Sunday morning and I have 4 children that wake up with the SUN so I must try to get some sleep.
SUNDAY is a day of complete numbness. More questions, lots of phone calls and kids wondering why mommy is crying and why has she been crying ALL day. I do not think I had 1 minute without a phone to my ear this day. To many things to talk about and nobody here to talk to. I muster up the courage to call my Dad and tell him what my Mom told me the night before. He is shocked but he is ok. He says to me It doesn't matter what a piece of paper says I am you Daddy and you will always be my daughter. CRYING.......... CRYING............ and more CRYING...................... I believe him and love him so much. I thank him for standing by my mom and doing the honorable thing.
I begin to develop a plan of how am I going to tell people. When do I tell people and who do I tell first. If you know me well, then you know that I can not sit on something. I am somewhat of a busybody that has to know what is going on around me and I am just a curious cat. Gotta know. So I get it into my bones that I am going to call this "B". Not sure what I am going to say or how to say it. Mom tells me "B" is excited, "B" wants to meet me, "B" wants to be a part of my life. WHOAH, hold up. Lets find out the test first then I will talk with my husband before I do something. Did I mention that after talking to my husband on "THE NIGHT" he was more angry than I was or have ever seen him. The anger is towards my mos diecison to hold this valuable information hostage. So I gain the courage and have got the kids playing and I call "B". It turns out to be very informative. I learn lots of family history and lots of medical history which if you know me I am serious about knowing all family medical issues however minor they might be. So after the call I am not sure what to think. "B" was not anything like I expected. But what were the expectations? I don't even know. Just not that. Its like reading a book and you painting a picture of the characters and then seeing the movie and the character in nothing like you imagined. You are not upset or anything just not what you had imagined. So this is the way I immediately felt. I have blood lines I never knew. There are Brothers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents I never knew existed. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I move through the days of the week patiently waiting the test and the test results trillions of ideas are running through the veins of my brain. I must forgive my mom. I must be honest with my mom and tell her how disappointed I am and how this changes my WHOLE life. I just felt like I lived a big lie. OH MAN, my husband married me and never even knew the REAL me. OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! You will never know why people do they things they do until you are in their shoes. That is probably the most important lesson here as is FORGIVENESS. My mom thought she was protecting me, protecting her and saving face for her marriage that was already viewed badly. I understand. I know that we are all young, and we all make bad decisions and bad choices but God did not give me the cane to persecute you or her. I was not in her shoes and did not know why but I can be grateful that all 4 parties are all still alive and living and that we will all soon now the truth.
So Friday arrives and that dreaded test comes in the mail. The one day I am not knocking down the mailman to get to the mail and it comes. I have to be told to go get the mail. Ryan has the day off so I am thankful he is hear with me right now. He takes the LONG 25 step walk to the mailboox to retrieve the letter.I open it at about 2pm while the children are all napping, thankfully. I open and read those life altering words "B" is 99.99% included in the paternity index. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I am crying shaking, scared, shocked, wishing this were all a dream and would just go away and wondering why is this happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I do not know how I am going to tell my Dad that I am not his biological daughter. OMG!!!!!!! Thanks God for having Ryan home with me and having time to cope.
So today has been a day of phone calls to tell my story and tell my Paternal family the truth hoping this changes nothing and dreading that I may not be treated like family from here on. They all say they had their suspicions. Nobody says that they view me any differently. They all love me and that 28 years can not be taken away. I am family. I AM SO HAPPY to hear this. I am sad that I am not blood to any of them besides my now HALF brother who I always thought was full blood. But God does everything for a reason and I have always said that and believe it 100% in my heart. God is in control. But after talking with my handsome brother I come to realize that God told me now because I was suppose to be there for my brother all those rough and bumpy years. We were a team and we got each other through it all. That's why. We would not have been a team, we would not have had the chance to stay together having had 2 separate fathers. Thanks GOD!!! Thank you for allowing me to form that bond with a man that I will think of and love as much as love my own children. My brother is my most important memory. We have so many stories none of you know and most of you will never know. But we know and we are committed to each other and love each other and I promise you this boy as I view him but is a man is so special to me and my heart. Thank you God for making sure he was OK and getting him to a solid place in his life.
So now I must make some decisions. What to do know? Today I have been sleeping most the day because it is too hard and to tiring to think about what I am about to embark on. I have called all of the important persons. Now I need your prayers. Please pray that my mom not feel like a failure or feel so guilty. Please pray that she come to terms with this. Please help her understand my forgiveness is whole. Pray that I can resume normal life. Pray that I get through this and that nothing BAD comes of this. I want this to be good. I want my life to be important and I want people's view of me not to change. I am me and will always be me. LOVE ME, HELP ME, CALL ME, EMAIL ME, but don't hate me and please don't hate anyone in your life that made a bad/wrong/stupid decision. Because you do not know until you are in those shoes . I will close with this God asks us not to judge so please listen ,FORGIVE no matter how hard it is FORGIVE and move on, you will be glad you did.
God Bless and good night
Sweet writings of HaskinsHouse at 9:31 PM