Saturday, October 4, 2008

ITS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST!!!!!

Many of you who follow me either on facebook or myspace have been wondering why I am "SHOCKED". While my immediate family knows the truth many of my friends and extended family have been left in the dark and for that I am sorry. These last 3 weeks have been like 10 years. So many feelings have gone through my veins. I am really not sure whether to be happy, sad, angry, scared or just numb. I think the word for today is numb. Everyday is a new feeling. New questions arise almost hourly. New scenarios arise even faster. The what ifs are freaking kicking my butt. I have to rely on Gods judgement on this one. I have to be strong for my 4 beautiful gifts, AKA my children.

You see, Sat. Sept 20 just before going to bed I check my email like I do every night before bed. I do this because I am so far away and most correspondence is done on the computer. So on the 20th, we will call it "THE NIGHT" I received a weird email through myspace from "K" because names are not important. The email had names of both of my parents and it was asking if I knew a man named "B". I just figured "k" was looking to get "B" together with one of my parents or that "K" was a bad person trying to steal my identity. I was inquisitive and tried emailing "k" back trying to extract information from his/her brain. I was thinking I'll just see what this person knows. Well "k" emailed back with WAY too much information. WOAH, my first thought was this person is a serious stalker. But after reading it and then calling a friend at 11:30pm and reading it to her we both thought I needed to start asking questions from my parents. So after a SHORT phone call to my mom and a LONG 15 minute wait for her to call me back I have 5 million things swirling through my mind. The long awaited minute had arrived. My mom was finally COMPLETELY honest and held nothing back. She told the truth no matter how much it hurt, embarrassed or saddened her. This truth was a lie she had been carrying around since I was born., 28 long years.

So I ask all the right questions and she tells me that my Dad is most likely not my father. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!!!!! My reactions, WHAT KIND OF DRUGS ARE YOU ON? WHY NOW? HOW? WHO KNEW? The questions in my head were mounting and my mouth could not move fast enough. OMG, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!!! ARE YOU KIDDING!!!! NO!!!!!!CAN"T BE!!!!!!!!!I DON"T BELIEVE YOU!!!!!!!!!My body is shaking uncontrollably by this point. I think I can not breathe. I am so MAD oh I am so sad. I just lost 30 people I loved. NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!I MUST BE PLAYING A CHARACTER IN A MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!I AM DREAMING!!!!!!!SOMEBODY PINCH ME!!!!!!!! Now What I forgot to tell you is that Ryan is on a trip far away and all my beauties are sleeping. So I am all alone in the dead of night going through what I am going to say has got to be the most emotional roller coaster ride I have ever gotten on, been dragged on or was coaxed on. NOT FUN. So after getting control and talking for HOURSSSS and I do mean hours. I come to the conclusion that a paternity test MUST be done for me to believe this and accept this. I do the research and find a lab that can do the test with people in several different locations. My mom agrees and orders it. Now I must go to bed. It is now 3 am Sunday morning and I have 4 children that wake up with the SUN so I must try to get some sleep.

SUNDAY is a day of complete numbness. More questions, lots of phone calls and kids wondering why mommy is crying and why has she been crying ALL day. I do not think I had 1 minute without a phone to my ear this day. To many things to talk about and nobody here to talk to. I muster up the courage to call my Dad and tell him what my Mom told me the night before. He is shocked but he is ok. He says to me It doesn't matter what a piece of paper says I am you Daddy and you will always be my daughter. CRYING.......... CRYING............ and more CRYING...................... I believe him and love him so much. I thank him for standing by my mom and doing the honorable thing.

I begin to develop a plan of how am I going to tell people. When do I tell people and who do I tell first. If you know me well, then you know that I can not sit on something. I am somewhat of a busybody that has to know what is going on around me and I am just a curious cat. Gotta know. So I get it into my bones that I am going to call this "B". Not sure what I am going to say or how to say it. Mom tells me "B" is excited, "B" wants to meet me, "B" wants to be a part of my life. WHOAH, hold up. Lets find out the test first then I will talk with my husband before I do something. Did I mention that after talking to my husband on "THE NIGHT" he was more angry than I was or have ever seen him. The anger is towards my mos diecison to hold this valuable information hostage. So I gain the courage and have got the kids playing and I call "B". It turns out to be very informative. I learn lots of family history and lots of medical history which if you know me I am serious about knowing all family medical issues however minor they might be. So after the call I am not sure what to think. "B" was not anything like I expected. But what were the expectations? I don't even know. Just not that. Its like reading a book and you painting a picture of the characters and then seeing the movie and the character in nothing like you imagined. You are not upset or anything just not what you had imagined. So this is the way I immediately felt. I have blood lines I never knew. There are Brothers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents I never knew existed. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I move through the days of the week patiently waiting the test and the test results trillions of ideas are running through the veins of my brain. I must forgive my mom. I must be honest with my mom and tell her how disappointed I am and how this changes my WHOLE life. I just felt like I lived a big lie. OH MAN, my husband married me and never even knew the REAL me. OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! You will never know why people do they things they do until you are in their shoes. That is probably the most important lesson here as is FORGIVENESS. My mom thought she was protecting me, protecting her and saving face for her marriage that was already viewed badly. I understand. I know that we are all young, and we all make bad decisions and bad choices but God did not give me the cane to persecute you or her. I was not in her shoes and did not know why but I can be grateful that all 4 parties are all still alive and living and that we will all soon now the truth.

So Friday arrives and that dreaded test comes in the mail. The one day I am not knocking down the mailman to get to the mail and it comes. I have to be told to go get the mail. Ryan has the day off so I am thankful he is hear with me right now. He takes the LONG 25 step walk to the mailboox to retrieve the letter.I open it at about 2pm while the children are all napping, thankfully. I open and read those life altering words "B" is 99.99% included in the paternity index. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I am crying shaking, scared, shocked, wishing this were all a dream and would just go away and wondering why is this happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? I do not know how I am going to tell my Dad that I am not his biological daughter. OMG!!!!!!! Thanks God for having Ryan home with me and having time to cope.

So today has been a day of phone calls to tell my story and tell my Paternal family the truth hoping this changes nothing and dreading that I may not be treated like family from here on. They all say they had their suspicions. Nobody says that they view me any differently. They all love me and that 28 years can not be taken away. I am family. I AM SO HAPPY to hear this. I am sad that I am not blood to any of them besides my now HALF brother who I always thought was full blood. But God does everything for a reason and I have always said that and believe it 100% in my heart. God is in control. But after talking with my handsome brother I come to realize that God told me now because I was suppose to be there for my brother all those rough and bumpy years. We were a team and we got each other through it all. That's why. We would not have been a team, we would not have had the chance to stay together having had 2 separate fathers. Thanks GOD!!! Thank you for allowing me to form that bond with a man that I will think of and love as much as love my own children. My brother is my most important memory. We have so many stories none of you know and most of you will never know. But we know and we are committed to each other and love each other and I promise you this boy as I view him but is a man is so special to me and my heart. Thank you God for making sure he was OK and getting him to a solid place in his life.

So now I must make some decisions. What to do know? Today I have been sleeping most the day because it is too hard and to tiring to think about what I am about to embark on. I have called all of the important persons. Now I need your prayers. Please pray that my mom not feel like a failure or feel so guilty. Please pray that she come to terms with this. Please help her understand my forgiveness is whole. Pray that I can resume normal life. Pray that I get through this and that nothing BAD comes of this. I want this to be good. I want my life to be important and I want people's view of me not to change. I am me and will always be me. LOVE ME, HELP ME, CALL ME, EMAIL ME, but don't hate me and please don't hate anyone in your life that made a bad/wrong/stupid decision. Because you do not know until you are in those shoes . I will close with this God asks us not to judge so please listen ,FORGIVE no matter how hard it is FORGIVE and move on, you will be glad you did.
God Bless and good night

6 comments:

Worm's Woman said...

You can definately count on my prayers. All I can say is "Wow." Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You are showing once AGAIN what an amazing and strong person you are.

Taylors Make Four said...

Thank you Dusty, I hope some people who truly need your advice at the end really read this and do it. It's going to be a tough road ahead of you, but you're a strong woman and you have many prayers headed your way. And maybe people will learn something from you. . .if you think your life is hard, you're not alone. but Family is supposed to be there no matter what!

Leah said...

Dusty,
I am soooo sorry you're going through this huge SHOCK!!! I just can't even imagine how you must be feeling... my heart just hurts for you!

Remember first and foremost, you are God's daughter! Your two earthly fathers are just bonus now.

I will keep you in my prayers as you move forward into acceptance of your new reality!

Charisse said...

OH my goodness. I am sorry sweetie that you are going through all of this. Once again, I will tell you that I do not have any answers, nor any words of wisdom. All I can do is share with you the three phrases I have learned to live by. And I can tell you that you will be in my thoughts.
1. Everything happens for a reason
2. GOD does not give us anything we can't handle, no matter if we think we can or not.
3. "Whenever GOD closes a door, he opens another. Even if it is HELL in the hallway."

Our Naquin Family said...

Dusty, you are such a strong woman. Just remember I am hear if you ever need to talk or someone just to listen. Love You!

Carney's said...

Dusty,
You are such a strong person and it is so inspiring to see your faith shine through in such a difficult time. I really look up to your outlook and your strength. Everything you said is so true though, we have to forgive and not judge. Your mom loves you so much, and even though she didn't act in the way you might have preferred,she was only looking to your best interests, Family is family, regardless of blood lines. Now you have the opportunity to get to know a whole new group of people, in addition to the ones you already love so much! Know that we are here if you need to talk, or just someone to listen.
You are awesome!
-Janelle