Friday, September 19, 2008

Completely heartbroken

So I will keep this as vague as possible but I just want to let some things off the heavy chest here. I am completely irritated that I have been disrespected this week. I feel like sloppy seconds. I thought that marriage included the excitement of coming home to your spouse after a long day, or boring day or busy day. I didn't know it was suppose to be do everything you can to stay away from them. This week has been very very tough for me. Someone in my life is not a very good communicator, and I have known this for a long time. But a few instances have happened, well more than a few, but I have been left in the dark only to stumble upon them by accident. First let me say that I am in complete love with my husband. I would do mostly anything for him. I have done everything for him. Lord knows that is why we live in D.C. away from my whole world or everything that is important to me. I have made some amazing friends out here that I hope will be there at my funeral. Recently, I am last to see him. He works late I mean 7 and 8 pm late and last night til 4:30 in the morning. WOW, must be important. I don't doubt it isn't. But what makes it so bad is that I have to call and figure out why he is not home yet or remind him of the time. Really? Did you forget you had not 1, not 2 but 4 YOUNG children at home. A wife that works her ass off to keep up with the laundry, dishes, back to school night, kids folders, toilets, tubs, diapers, dinners, helping out neighbors and friends and all the other things that she does. I feel like I have been hit in the gut with a fifty pound medicine ball and then laughed out by everyone that walked by. You see he is hanging with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Labeling it as a work project of high priority. Probably true, but does it have to be hidden. I am always wanting to call home and check in and make sure everyone is ok and let them know what I am doing when I am away. Is it really that hard? That to me is a sign of respect. You are married you should respect your spouse, give them the benefit of the doubt within reason. When you get the cold shoulder in the bedroom, and there has not been one night(in a few weeks) where you go to bed at the same time or within a few minutes of each other and when you are spending more time with your co-worker than your family, I believe there is a serious problem. Don't you want to know what we did during the day? What happy husband does not want to spend ample time with his family and alone time with his wife? The road is getting very rocky for me at the moment. I feel less than human. I feel disrespected. I see a pattern. A pattern that leads to bad things whether you want them to happen or not. I like to be proactive. I like to be in position when the ball is thrown and not in motion following it. Honestly, my heart is aching. Pain is not even the first place to begin or even the word to use but that is all I can come up with at the moment. I see and feel it slipping away a little everyday. I have put 9 years into this and can not even imagine not having it tomorrow. I can not be a rug that gets walked on. I need to be the hurricane that gets respect and is thought of seriously. Unhappy is the word of the day. Disappointment follows that. Loneliness goes right along with those. WOW, a girl that saved her brothers life at 3 in 6 feet of water is drowning in 2 inches. Getting so very close to walking. He needs help. I should come first not last. God help us.

4 comments:

Not the Norm said...

God will help you get through it. Open up your heart and talk about it. Your love is strong enough to survive. This too shall pass.

Worm's Woman said...

Hey girl. I know this is all hard, unfortunately a lot of marriages go through it. I'm waiting on the day for it to happen to us. We are prepairing for simular times though. Mainly by talking now. We talk about, and ya'll should too, our needs and what has changed with the other person and what we need from them with the little things that show you are still wanted and number one. You might need a blow up and may have a blow up arguement, but make sure you sit down calmly and talk it all out. Find what you need from eachother and what you might need to do for yourself on your own. Times are tough with the economy. And if that doesn't do it, a family will. It's hard at times with a family of 3 or 4 in the house, so I can't imagine it with a family of 6.
Those are just my thoughts/advice feel free to take it or leave it, but do know I'm praying for you. You are a SUPER strong woman in all you do!
Love ya girl!

Taylors Make Four said...

I'm not going to give you advice, all marriages are different, all situations are different. What I can give you are my prayers, you prayed for us many times, and it is time that I prayed for you in this horribly tough time for your heart.
You and Ryan are in my prayers. You always have my number to call if you need to talk.

Charisse said...

I know this was a week and a half ago, but I also know that sometimes relationship "opportunities" (which is what I have learned to call problems) often time take a while to work through. I have no real advice for you because I usually keep everything in. I know that this, however, is not the way. I will say that you need to make him understand that you need him and you need to feel like his #1 (or at least in the top 5 with the kiddos) priority in life. I am sure that you are his top priority. And I am sure that he is probably just TRULY working a ton. But occasionally, we need both actions AND words to reassure us of our place. :-) I know that does not really help. But I also know that you are a very strong woman and you will get through this and be able to smile on the other side.