Saturday, March 14, 2015

How adoption is not easy

Today I read a Facebook post that involved pictures and lots of family history and pride. You could feel the emotions coming through the words. It really lit a fire in my soul from the still smoldering embers. 

All this started almost 7 yrs ago when I learned that I'm legally adopted, my Dad is not my biological father. I learned in the most ridiculous way, via Facebook, and to this day it affects me more than it did that first day. 

Being the adoptee is not an easy, or simple position to sit in. I'm pulled in both directions. I wonder who am I? I wonder where I fit? Does the bio family care? Do they want relationships with my family? Am I just some girl that's his bio daughter, just an after thought? Does my adopted family feel that I'm still the girl I was before we learned of the paternity? Will they someday hold it against me? So many questions swirling around my mind. I just want to be loved, thought of, communicated with, made a part of the family, included. I'm so lost as to what to do?

 I have a lot of Fathers in my life. I've pulled away from some because I didn't feel I was getting what I needed from them. Thankfully I live hundreds of miles away so not seeing them often can be blamed on my husbands job instead of them not caring, forgetting about me, or me not being important enough. That helps me compartmentalize the situation. But I can't help but be jealous of all my brothers and their relationships with the dad/father we share. Because that's their Dad

Recently I attended a close friends fathers funeral and she said something that struck me and will stay with me forever, she said "he wasn't always perfect but he was mine". Wow, I can't really say that. I'll attend 4 fathers funerals soon enough and I don't feel I can say that for any of them. My dad is not my bio dad, so how's he mine. My father doesn't speak to me so how's he mine? My stepdad isn't mine either and my father in law isn't mine, he's my husbands. So, where do I fit? Do you see what I'm talking about? The whole funeral I was sad for my friend, but I was sad envisioning my 4 fathers funerals knowing I'll never be able to say those words. I'm a lost girl. 

 My life really has changed since that dreary September day in 2008. I still haven't really found my place as a daughter or a sister. I'm grateful that my children will NEvER go through these same feelings. I just don't know how to handle this. 

When happy things happen to my brothers (5) and one of my Dad/father says something I truly get emotional because I can never be that child. It feels like a constant mourning phase. 

I'm grateful for my kids but they can't replace that missing relationship, the father/daughter one I long for. 

So just say a prayer for now that I can recover from this loss and be ok with being a "kinda my daughter". 

Saturday, January 3, 2015

2015, Year of the Family

Happy new year yall! 

With the new year comes new plans, new initiatives, new goals and new hopes. In the past I've put so much of myself into other people, groups, activities and put myself and my family last. I was raised a Christian woman and by Christian values of community service, always doing for others in need, and putting my needs behind those. As a mother you also put your children above yourself. This is not necessarily the right way to do things but the way I've done them. 

I pride myself in being that trustworthy, reliable and always willing to help. I love being the one to lean on. I love helping people. I love seeing faces and watching moments knowing I got to help make that possible. That's truly unmeasurable. I love giving of myself. But there comes a time when that has to be put on hold.

After a horribly rough year where my life was in jeopardy with some insane internal health issues and many other bumps in the road my eyes and heart have changed. 

This year I'm doing things differently. My family will come before anything or anyone else. I will not apologize for this nor will I feel guilty for it. My life as well as my marriage, my finances, my relationship with my children need my attention and I'm going to give priority to them. 

So this year I've labeled the year of The Family, in hopes that with renewed focus I can teach my kids a few things, grow my marriage, continue to get well, meet some goals. 

Please support me, my family and the challenges we are soon to face. Your love, appreciation and support are so needed and so helpful.